If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
