2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
