She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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