she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
