my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
