lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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