Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dick very happy bro
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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