Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
