She went from zero to smokin in five shots
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I touched a dick in church today
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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