Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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