i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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