what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
