**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
