Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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