After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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