My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
