cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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