Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
