Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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