I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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