Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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