I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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