Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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