So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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