if you like me you must not know who I am
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
