Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
