I only kidnapped one of them. chill
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
