Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
