those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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