I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
