I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
