She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
