Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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