dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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