have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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