PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
