my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
