do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
