fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yo dont text me then not text me
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
