i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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