this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
