3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
