im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
