everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize