Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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