My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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