we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
