I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
