youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
