sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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