Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
