I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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