eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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