i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
