Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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