I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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